sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
a search helicopter?!
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
