last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
