please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
