Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
