im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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