You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
