Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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