Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
