I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
