he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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