highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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