he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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