What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
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I just found puke in my bra..
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
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Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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