On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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