the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
