who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Randomize
