i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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