Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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