you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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