Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
