Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
