i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
