How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
