She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
