Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
