Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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