I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
