i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
