Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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