So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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