at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
We left the knife in your bed.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
