Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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