If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
