I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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