you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Randomize
