My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
