True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
someone owes me an orgasm
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
