Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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