one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I need water and some morals
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
