Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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