I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
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