God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
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