the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
