Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
