Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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