it's too hot outside to masturbate.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
