I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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