The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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