You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
