a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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