I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
We are all done wearing pants today
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
