im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
