hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Sorry about my life...
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
