Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
