We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
