either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
